Creativity By the Numbers: Can You Count On a Hit?

FADE IN to the plush offices of THOMAS B. FABULOUS, a one-of-a-kind television programming consultant(not unlike Robert Brilliant as profiled in “Researchers Probe TV Viewers’ Minds,” Calendar, Nov. 7) whose breakthroughs in the field of audience research have earned him the title “Mr. Smartyboots.” His autobiography, “I Count the Beans,” is a national best seller. He is chairing his morning staff meeting.

FABULOUS: Crankfinder, have the results come in on that new ABC situation comedy?

CRANKFINDER: Yes sir. 20% said “yes,” 66% said “no,” 8% said “maybe” and the remaining 6% said, “Where’s the free buffet?”

FABULOUS: Just as I predicted.

CRANKFINDER: Amazing, sir.

FABULOUS: Nothing amazing about it. A simple matter of applied statistical probability. As I’ve often said, “Show me the bean that can’t be counted and I’ll show you a really big, complicated bean.”

CRANKFINDER: Words to live by, sir.

FABULOUS: Never doubt it, my boy. Now Vlemp, what about that NBC movie of the week?

VLEMP: We’ve recommended that they combine the two lead roles, fire the supporting players and rewrite the script. But we can’t fire the cute little dog because he’s got a pay or play deal that includes a “created by” credit.

FABULOUS: Have him put to sleep.

VLEMP: That was our suggestion, sir, but he owes the network two more movies and an awards show.

FABULOUS: Damned agents.

VLEMP: Yes, sir.

FABULOUS: That’s it! Get Littlefield on the phone. Tell him to headline the pooch and call it “That Damned Dog.” Large numbers, ahoy!

VLEMP: Nice save, sir.

FABULOUS: Who’s next? Sitzbath?

SITZBATH: Here are the results from yesterday’s focus group, sir: 56 said “birthday party,” 35 said “wedding” and 9 said “ritual sacrifice.”

FABULOUS: Those numbers don’t make sense.

SITZBATH: I lost the real printouts, sir. These are answers from last night’s “Family Feud.”

FABULOUS: Good program, tests well.

SITZBATH: Very strong, sir.

FABULOUS: OK. Here’s what you do. Send those numbers to CBS . . . they won’t know the difference.

SITZBATH: Resourceful, sir.

FABULOUS: Moving on. Your report, Ms. Lugetrack?

LUGETRACK: We’ve installed the new testing devices in our screening room. They should be operational in two weeks.

FABULOUS: Two weeks? Outrageous! Why the delay?

LUGETRACK: We’re trying to iron out some bugs in the beans, sir, to mix my metaphors.

FABULOUS: What?

LUGETRACK: Nothing, sir. We’re modifying the system based on overwhelming evidence that our test subjects prefer the red buttons to the green ones.

FABULOUS: Overwhelming?

LUGETRACK: Almost one-and-a-third to one, sir.

FABULOUS: “Give the people what we think they think they want.”

LUGETRACK: Right, sir.

FABULOUS: Any more new business?

BUNSMACKER: Just one thing, sir, a real challenge for the research field.

FABULOUS: “Climb every mountain, count every bean,” son.

BUNSMACKER: “And a little bean shall lead them,” sir.

FABULOUS: What?

BUNSMACKER: Sorry sir. One last item. The Wall Street Journal is doing an article on the viability of high-tech research strategies and they’d like your comments.

FABULOUS: I see. Take this down. When I began this business 10 years ago, people scoffed. “How can you quantify creativity?” they asked. “How can you reduce entertainment to an equation?” By the scientific application of the “Thomas Fabulous Formula,” that’s how.

BUNSMACKER: Please slow down, sir, I can’t find a pen.

FABULOUS: That formula, which I reveal now for the first time, states: “Ask the test subject a question. The subject, aware of being observed, will give you the answer they think you want. Disregard it. Divide by two. Fire the director.”

BUNSMACKER: Would you repeat that, sir?

FABULOUS: No, my boy, I won’t. No time. There are just too many beans in this world that cry out for counting. I hear the eerie wail of their teeny-weeny siren song even now.

BUNSMACKER: What?

FABULOUS: Never mind.

FADE TO BLACK.