Now They Can Only Cash <i> Out</i>

Downey’s California:

--OCTOBER CLOSE-OUT SALE!!! All Atlanta Brave merchandise must go! $avings! $avings! $avings on oodles of “America’s Team” factory extras! Caps! Bats! Dolls! Balls! Tomahawks of all sizes! COME ON DOWN!!! Thousands and thousands of “We’re No. 1” foam-rubber fingers! Tom-toms! Indian feathers! Moccasins, moccasins, moccasins! EVERYTHING MUST GO!!! Color posters of Otis! Deion! Crime Dog! Baseball’s best pitchers, too! Ordinarily $20, order yours today for the in-CRED-ibly low bargain price of 93 cents! So, call our toll-free number! We’ve got NOTHING else to do this week but take your call! Operators are standing by!

--Atlanta Braves, Buffalo Bills . . . separated at birth? Tonight on “Hard Copy.”

--The hardest thing the Philadelphia Phillies have to do is pass through customs.

--Look-alikes: John Kruk and Meat Loaf.

--Sitting in the dugout, the Phillies look like guys you usually see atop girders in construction hard hats, drinking from Thermos bottles and watching women walk by. Every time I look at Darren Daulton, I think he should be wearing a tool belt.

--Philly in seven.

--Hilariously, now the Chicago White Sox general manager, Ron Schueler, explains that Manager Gene Lamont did not pinch-run swift Steve Sax instead of slow Ron Karkovice in the seventh inning of Game 6 because Lamont thought Sax might need to run for Bo Jackson in the ninth inning if Bo should pinch-hit and reach base. The White Sox are superb at planning for later. They’ve been preparing for later for 76 years.

--Irv Kupcinet of the Chicago Sun-Times wrote that it was a bad week for wearing black--first Ted Danson, then the White Sox.

--Lots of talk in Chicago that the playoffs’ goateed goat, pitcher Jack McDowell, could--make that should--be traded. Oh, that bad, bad Black Jack. He won 22 games, then had the nerve to have a bad week.

--You think Chicago is sad now, wait until Toronto wins the NBA title.

--New math:

Chicago Bulls

-Michael Jordan

=Sacramento Kings.

--I see where Ron (I Like Being Paid Like Mike) Harper is hot to pry more money out of the Clippers. Let’s see. Scoring champion? No. All-Star? Uh, no. NBA all-defense team? Mmmm, no. Box-office draw? Nope. Oh, wait! I know! If he needs money, maybe Harper could go out and hock all those exquisite NBA championship rings of his.

--Imaginary phone call to Jerry West, had Charles Barkley’s injury been more serious: “Jer? Hi, this is A.C.! Look, I’ve been thinking. Maybe I was, you know, a little rash . . . hello? Jerry? Jer, are you there?”

--Know how San Antonio got Dennis Rodman before the season? The early Spur gets the Worm.

--Here are some of the crimes not punishable by imprisonment in German courts of law: Jaywalking, fishing without a license, not cleaning up after your dog, failure to signal a left turn, stabbing a tennis player with a knife, and littering.

--Kids: Just say no to Ram defensive backs.

--I couldn’t decide Thursday whether to watch the L.A. Rams or “L.A. Law.” Somebody asked me: “What’s the difference?”

--Personal apology to Vince Evans, 24-hour emergency quarterback, Los Angeles Raiders. Dear Vince: I am sorry. I take back every word. You are younger than springtime. You are welcome here anytime. Forty lashes for me with a wet spiral notebook.

--One new NFL rule and Art Shell will be fine: A seven-second warning.

--The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim have won their first hockey game, defeating the Daffy Oilers of Edmonton.

--It’s early yet, but here is Michael Eisner’s tentative lineup for Disney’s Stanley Cup pregame show: 101 Dalmatians on skates, a flying elephant, seven whistling dwarfs, a singing puppet with a cosmetically enhanced nose, a beauty, a beast, a lady, a tramp, several dancing hippopotamuses, a symphony orchestra conducted by a large mouse and Rob Lowe performing at mid-ice with Snow White.

--Now there are two movies about Southern California hockey: “The Mighty Ducks” and “Hrudey.”

--Brigham Young’s football program is so ashamed, students must now perform two years of missionary work in Westwood.

--After losing to Michigan State, maybe we shouldn’t ask if Michigan can beat Penn State. Maybe we should ask if Michigan can beat Penn.

--Tampa Bay’s teams are so bad, they should be on ESPN3.