LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Gov. Pete’s first presidential campaign trip: “Wilson flew to New Hampshire, got off the plane and, out of habit, declared the state a disaster area.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Congress considering a bill to force the IRS to prove taxpayers wrong instead of filers having to prove they are right: “Is that before or after they seize your house?”

Ryan, on Belly Busting Contouring Gel, which promises to get rid of fat from men’s stomachs: “Actually it just reduces your wallet so your gut doesn’t get pushed out so far.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the President’s plans to trim the Interior Department’s budget: “National parks will have new warning signs: Please don’t feed the bears. It’s the rangers who haven’t eaten. “

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the separation of Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts: “Their marriage has been tough on everybody. Just how much longer were we supposed to pretend that they looked perfect together?”

Adds writer Matthew Salsberg: “Coincidence? Just two days after Mike Tyson is released from prison and Julia announces that she and Lyle have separated.”

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The Oscars, a grand finale . . . “A ‘Forrest Gump’ producer says the movie is about ‘humanity and respect, tolerance and unconditional love.’ And $7.50 a ticket.” (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

* “Lizzy Gardiner’s American Express credit card dress was stolen after the awards show. But Karl Malden showed up with a new one in less than 24 hours.” (Kevin S. Healey)

* “One problem with the dress that cameras didn’t catch: Gardiner’s credit slip was showing.” (Bob Lacey)

* “Award winner Quincy Jones said he would advise young people trying to make it in show business to ‘do it for love . . . get paid later.’ Sounds like a typical producer.” (Cutler)

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Cirque du O.J.: “Accommodating as always, Judge Lance Ito asked limo driver Allan Park if he would prefer to testify through a glass partition.” (Mills)

* “It was quickly clear that Park would favor prosecutors. While being sworn in, he held up a piece of cardboard with the name Clark lettered on it.” (Mills)

* “O.J. gave Park a 20% tip. He testified O.J. wasn’t bleeding. For a 50% tip, some drivers would’ve remembered seeing a parked Bronco.” (Stan Kaplan)

* “Park definitely qualifies as an experienced, expert limo driver. He circled the courthouse seven times before recognizing it.” (Mills)

* “Park admitted that the 6-foot, 200-pound black person he saw entering O.J.’s house could have been a woman. Police immediately put out an APB for Queen Latifah.” (Tony Peyser)

* “When considering Kato Kaelin’s testimony, jurors must decide which was dimmer: His flashlight, or its owner.” (Gary Easley)

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Reader Phillip H. Krapf’s niece was conversing with pals at her 10th birthday party, when one 9-year-old boy asked::

“So, how does it feel to be the big one-o?”