Let the Games Never End, Starting With Moulin Luge

In a bold attempt to keep its ratings sky-high after the conclusion of the Winter Olympics, NBC has decided to extend the event indefinitely. Unfortunately, because many of the participants are busy taping an Olympics-themed episode of “The Weakest Link,” the network has had to make a few adjustments.

For example, all judging will now be handled by an impartial panel of jurists--the Dancing Itos from NBC’s “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.”

The network is also introducing a bevy of new sports to its “Must Ski TV” lineup:

* The Moulin Luge: A combination sled race and dazzling musical in which athletes descend into an icy bohemian underworld of sex, drugs and bad Toulouse-Lautrec impersonations.

* Freestyle Shredding: Contestants try to destroy incriminating Enron documents as quickly yet creatively as possible.

* Skating on Thin Ice: Iraq, North Korea and Iran are the favorites in this race to incur the future wrath of President Bush and the U.S. military.

* The Other Skeleton: Not to be confused with the 90-mph sled race in the real Games, this event entails hunting for actual human skeletons inside a rural Georgia crematory.

* Bobsled & Carol & Ted & Alice: Can you say orgy on ice?

* Speed Cloning: Racing against government crackdowns on the duplication of human beings, mad scientists attempt to destroy civilization as we know it by cloning Richard Simmons.

* Skate and Leopold: A freak time portal brings a 19th century gentleman to Salt Lake City, where he is forced to compete in figure skating.

* The Mormon Tabernacle Choir Jump: Chained together at the ankles, the robed singing group is launched off a 394-foot-high ski jump at 60 mph.

* Olympic Sniveling: To placate the hurt feelings of the Russians and improve their gold medal chances, this event is specifically matched to their newest talent--whining.

* The New Biathlon: The original biathlon combined cross-country skiing with target shooting, making it one of the most difficult competitions. To spice things up, the new biathlon mixes skiing and surgery. Athletes must race along a treacherous ski path, then perform a delicate brain operation.